Things they don't tell you before you move to Enzed
It's a rainy day in West Auckland. The summer downpours give the place a tropical vibe, and I was drenched in 10 seconds after stepping outside. The rolling thunder and fat raindrops are a refreshing break from the steamy heat.
After 3 years of moving houses and hemispheres I'm starting to feel settled, though 2003 was another whirlwind year. Sometimes you need to come to a complete stop to be able to take stock of how far you have really come. My mate 'Goth' Liz [now happily married and a redhead] has moved from Bristol to Sydney, and we've been catching up on the phone. We both agreed that we were glad we'd both done it before knowing how tough emigrating would be. If any of you are thinking of moving to Middle Earth, then here's a few things they don't tell you before you move to Enzed:
1. Auckland is not New Zealand. The country consists of Auckland [harbouring a third of the country] and The Rest of New Zealand. The Rest of New Zealand is like Britain in the 70s, and in some places a little like the Far Side, but I like that. Auckland is the New Zealand equivalent of what London is to Britain [though nowhere near as bad]. Aucklanders tend to look down on The Rest of New Zealand as inbred yokels, while The Rest of New Zealand fumes and pays for their roads and facilities.
2. At first you'll find it hard to get a job. Kiwis don't like to employ fresh immigrants until they have acclimatised, and it can take a couple of years before you fully fit in. You'll earn far less than you have been used to, but a little here can go a long way. New Zealand is about having a great lifestyle, not having lots of money. To paraphrase Gaetan Philppart, you won't have a cruise every year, but you will have fun every day.
3. Kiwis deny that winter exists. Don't throw away your woollies. If you arrive between May to October expecting tropical sunshine, you will freeze your nuts off. The houses here are not insulated, and central heating has not been invented yet, but you do get to feel all primal with your wood-burner. Ugg Boots are essential for toasty toes.
4. 'Not far', or 'just up the road' to a Kiwi means anything from a 20 minute to a 2 hour drive.
5. Kiwis are in denial about the hole in the ozone layer and think sun-block is for pussy white poms. Even though everyone knows someone who has had skin cancer. You will burn in summer in 9 minutes, and you'll need Factor 30 even on cloudy days. Here's a round up of some good fake tans: Fake - Don't Bake!
6. The first mosquito bites you get will be painful. Chelfyn's arm once swelled up so much it looked like Fat Bastard's from Austin Powers. Never dance next to a river at dawn or dusk without drenching yourself in DEET, or the sandflies will carve craters from your skin. I still bear scars from The Gathering.
7. The west coast beaches are dangerous even to champion swimmers and the black sand will burn your toes. However they are perfect for windswept winter walks and leching at surfers.
8. Kiwis are not all clean and green. The reason most of the country is so unspoilt is that most of the country lives in Auckland. All of their recycling gets sent overseas and they love their big muscle cars. There is however some really cool, alternative energy and bio-sustainable stuff going on further south, like the dude in the West Coast of the South Island with a water powered tank.
9. When a Kiwi says they'll get back to you tomorrow, expect a call the following week.
10. New Zealand is definitely the best place in the world to live.
