Celebrity Spoon-off

It's been an interesting week on online auction site Trademe.co.nz in which the more unusual items for sale include a hug (a snip at $500), a slap (no takers), and now a celebrity 'spoon'. Mike Puru, the cuddly ex-Flipside host and breakfast radio jock is offering a 60 second spoon to the highest bidder. Both participants must be covered by at east one layer of fabric (spoilsport!) and all proceeds are going to charidee. The current bid for a 60 second squeeze with Mike Puru is $584.69 and the auction closes on Thursday 5th May.

Puru says: "One thing all my previous partners have complimented me on (even after break-up) is my ability as a spooner. The highest bidder can decide whether we spoon beneath a sleeping bag or duvet. They can also choose whether they will be the big spoon or the little spoon. It can also be male or female.....there is nothing gay about spooning, hell, even Sir Edmund and Tensing did it for warmth once they got past base camp!"

As we all know Hilary and Tensing did in fact get past first base. But not in a gay way. If you are thinking of putting a bid in then I can clarify a few details:

Q. Hi Mike.. just wondering if nibbles on the ear are free during the 60 secs, and if so does the person getting spooned have to pretend they are into it ? Is grinding allowed and are we naked or clothed ?

A. Mike is in a relationship, so would prefer you wore at least one layer of clothing (as stated above in the description). Nibbling on the ear would have to be negotiated at the time of spooning. Grinding is only allowed if Mike goes first and if the winning bidder could please pretend to be into it, the experience would be so much more pleasurable for Mike.

Q. Will Mike have his teeth fixed before we spoon?
A. Unlikely, but if u choose to be 'little spoon' you won't see his teeth

Q. Hi there, is there any chance of a 'boner' from the Spooner while in this position? I'd feel 'violated' if that were the case. But then again...
A. There is a possiblity a 'wooden' spoon may appear.

Q. Would this also include a dinner and movie before the said spooning happens, also will mikes "partner" also be included ?
A. Sorry, no. No dinner or movie and no partner. Mike's a cheap date who doesn't like threesomes.

Which brings me to a new reality show idea: 'Celebrity Spoon-off'. How about Helen Clarke v Don Brash, Nicky Watson v Hayley Marie (I'll be judging that one) or Winston Peters v Tariana Turia. Even better lets make them spoon each other! This one could run and run.

Word of the week:Infomania
I am a recovering infomanic. For over a decade I checked my email incessantly, with it all coming to a head five years when I worked at a large web agency. I received one too many emails one day demanding my *immediate* attention. Next thing I knew my laptop was bouncing off the wall followed by a mug of coffee. I admit I have been addicted to email, but thankfully not texting which has to be one of the most inefficient communications methods known to man.

It bugs the hell out of me when people start replying to text messages or emails mid conversation. It's so bloody rude. They may as well be honest and say - "shut up you're boring me". It's like when you go round to someones house and they leave the TV on.

It's like the world has caught information ADD. In the process they are actually becoming more stupid. A recent study has shown that constantly checking for messages can lower your IQ by up to 10 points. That's more than twice as much as smoking a spliff. Checking email/MSN/Text while smoking a spliff? Remove any sharp objects from the vicinity.

I admit my hand has been forced so to speak. In over a decade of hardcore PC abuse I've developed a bad case of RSI which has forced me to be more sensible.I physically can't sit at a computer for more than 3 hours a day which has made me work far more efficiently.

So as a recovering Infomaniac, I'd like to propose the 5 step programme:

1. Find the 'Off switch' on your mobile phone
2. Use it. Especially at night.
3. Switch off the automatic send receive on your email.
4. Check your email in the morning and the afternoon. If it's urgent - they can call.
5. Have at least One PC/Mobile free day a week. Sunday is always a good one as no-one expects you to be chained to the PC.

A new villain on the council
In New Zealand, when you call the council a bunch of comedians - you are probably correct. We have Westie Ewan Gilmour, Councillor slash Stand up Comedian on the local Waitekere City team. Which is led by tattooed rebel Bob Harvey, a passionate and pragmatic Westie, who recently said that P is on its way out in West Auckland but that "good old weed is still around because it beats the shit out of P."

Now Tim Shadbolt the Invercargill Mayor is about to play a pantomine villain in Jack and the Beanstalk. But you'll have to travel from Invercargill to Tauranga is you want to boo about your rates.

Do you want to hear your tracks on the radio?



Twisted 107.7FM AUKLAND / 107.5FM HAMILTON are currently reviewing their playlist and obviously, want to get it chock full of New Zealand made dance & electronica tracks. Sooooooooooooo....hook us up with your tunes! They'll go in regular rotation at the moment, and we have a few more tricks for future promotion of local artists. As well as play listing, we want to get our DJs to play Kiwi tunes on their shows as well when appropriate. We pay our APRA fees, so it's all legit.

What do you need to do?

1) Burn a CD. MP3's at 192k or higher is fine, but audio CD or ogg is also fine.
2) Write a bio to go with it. Include your contact details, phone and email.
3) Send it to:

Twisted 107.7FM
PO Box 68693
Auckland
Attn: Play list

We're also keen to get new music by overseas artists, and if you have any questions email kris@twisted.co.nz.

Top NZ Indie releases - March 2005

1. Shapeshifter, Riddim Wise
2. Kora, EP Volume
3. Fly My Pretties, Live At Bats
4. TrinityRoots, Home Land & Sea
5. Katchafire, Slow-Burning
6. P-Money, Magic City
7. Various, LOOP Select 006: Kono
8. Pitch Black, From Ape To Angel
9. SJD, Southern Lights
10. Katchafire, Revival

From Indies.co.nz

Nike admits worker abuse



I never thought I'd heard myself say this, but well done to Nike for finally facing up to their corporate responsibilities. They have published a report that lists their factory locations, and for the first time has admitted the abuse that takes place in their sweatshops.

Some might call this a greenwash but frankly I don't care. I praise Nike's transparency and the positive steps they are taking. I'll also watch closely to see if they follow it through with improved pay rates and working conditions. They have joined the Fair Labour Association a not for profit organisation to improve international labour standards. They have also called for other corporate giants to cooperate saying: "We do not believe Nike has the power to single-handedly solve the issues at stake"

The Guardian goes on to quote Debora Spar, the author of a case study on Nike, who said the report "shows the company has turned a corner, although I am not sure that I would describe it as a very sharp corner." Lets hope Nike follows through and others follow suit. It could be the start of a new age of ethical and sustainable business practices.

I still love the story about the guy who tried to get a pair of Nike's personalised with the word "sweatshop". Read on for the full email conversation...

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons.

1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other intellectual property.
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not have the legal right to use.
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you,
NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop." Sweatshop is not: 1) another's party's trademark, 2) the name of an athlete, 3) blank, or 4) profanity. I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year,
Jonah Peretti


From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang".

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you,
NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.

Thank you,
Jonah Peretti


From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any Personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted".

In addition it further explains:

"While we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) others' trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.

Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit another."

With these rules in mind we cannot accept your order as submitted.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks,
Jonah Peretti

{no response}

Stinky Club Syndrome



Another great story from Campbell Live last night, Phil Vine covering the problem of Stinky Club Syndrome. Having managed a club, I know how bad they can smell before they became full of the masking veil of cigarette smoke. That pungent air of pheromones, spilled beer, and stale sweat. Now that smoking has been banned indoors (except for in prison cells) Kiwi clubs and pubs smell rather unsavoury.

This to me screams business opportunity. Selling industrial sized aromatherapy vapourisers and funky mixes. It's well known that you can change people's moods through smell, and you can stick in 'eau de skunk' when it's time to get rid of them. Add to that the range of deodourants you can sell at the door, and before long clubs will be smelling like a Balinese Spa rather than 'Shower in a Can' & BO.

Happy Sams, nr Rainbow Valley, Golden Bay, New Zealand
One of the grooviest addresses on the planet and where we spent Easter weekend. Chelfyn met the Happy Sams crew on New Year's Day at The Full Circle, and was asked to play at their birthday party. We were excited to hear that it was to be held at a commune, which was celebrating its 30th anniversary.

I've heard about places like Happy Sams, from backstage stories at festivals. Tales of 60s and 70s communes formed by hippies, artists, and musicians. Paradise found off beaten tracks. Beautiful spaces to kick back and relax. While most twenty-somethings were at University or on an OE, some local lads pooled their resources, and bought 500 acres of bush clad valley. There they built The Lodge, a few homesteads and above a close knit community. Hundreds have passed through Happy Sams over the years creating a huge extended family.

We arrived at Happy Sams after dark. It was raining hard on the metal track with the river roaring below. The Lodge was already a hive of activity and a fish dinner was on the way. We cracked open some beers and started on the epic task of remembering everyone’s names. The Happy Sams Lodge was built to stand the test of time. It has an octagonal wooden roof over a balcony and a huge central column of river rocks carried up by hand. The ground floor has three areas for dancing, sitting, or lounging, a covered deck and a Whanau sized barbecue.

After dinner we were taken to the tree-house which was to be our home for the weekend. A tree trunk ran through the middle of the house, with another gnarled trunk for a bannister. The octagonal roof and bush surrounds made you feel like you were sleeping on top of some ancient tree canopy. We woke to the bell like birdsong, turquoise skies and air like wine.



I spent the day doing yoga and reading Sky Dancer (by Witi Ihimaera), conserving my energy for the following night's partying. We ate more wonderful food grown locally, such as an apple/pear cross that tasted like honey, juicy local scallops and whitebait fritters. Everything was simple, fresh and tasted heavenly.



The party started on Saturday with psy-trance sets before moving into breaks and live bands on Sunday. Most people we met had spent some time at Happy Sams over the years, and we heard some incredible stories. There seems to be a Golden Bay, West Coast, Christchurch triangle, and many of the guests work in the New Zealand film industry.

I found myself chatting with some fascinating people while lounging on the balcony. On beds covered with crushed velvet throws and beautiful Indian cushions, their ornate embroidery and intricate beaded pieces made from vintage saris. It made a sumptuous chill out space, a cascade of fairy lights down the central column providing laid-back lighting. I found an acoustic sweet spot where the roof became the bass, and spent the morning watching people dancing with the shadows of parties past.

I was cooked breakfast by a delightful young man, and we chatted about life the universe and travelling. I felt thoroughly pampered all weekend and it got me thinking. If more groups of people lived like this then we'd need less of everything. As one long term resident puts it “Life at Happy Sams is like a loooong slooooow party”.



I left a little piece of my heart in Golden Bay. It's the place and the pace I'd love to live at one day.

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Cleavage to drool over

Well apparently you haven't missed me (sniff) what with that lovely rack to distract so I'm going to have a few more days off. In the meantime here's some more cleavage to drool over. I'm so good to you!